on the tram. where i think.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

a blog of self-pity

dont bother to read this. its pathetic and a complete waste of your precious time.




***

i was hoping to have my cast removed today. but the doc didnt bother to give me a happy ending. he gave me another six weeks casting. another six weeks of cruciation.


i was hoping to hear the words of assurance from the doc. 'everything's fine...healing well.. no worries..'
but all i could hear were in dribs and drabs. each of em piercing my ears, stabbing my soul. 'i'm afraid.... maybe... i guess.. i cant tell.. not sure...'


i was hoping that i could start strummin, plucking, jammin and laughing away with my guitar, with my cg. this very day.


i was hoping i could finally have some fun with both my hands. play on fellowship day. swim around at al's place this sun. i guess God said wait.


i was hoping to start serving God with both of my fragile, fervent hands again. did i say again?


i was hoping that my sleepless nights of excitement wld take its leave. but it only came back as sleepless nights of desperation, of apprehension.


i was hoping to find some sad music to drown myself in. in vain. they were all too happy.


i was hoping too much...


elated i was. little did i know tt i was all along counting down to the day of dread. no, not of freedom. tt freedom never came.

maybe i should tell myself tt it would never heal. at least i'll be primed up for watever the doc has to tell three weeks from now. at least i'll be numb.

if you're asking me whether i'm sad or not.... not really. i was just tearing. at the back of the bus. all the way home. wimp.

if i was a non-Christian... these reasons wld be good enough to put my life to a stop. weakling.

if my lil guys were chance upon this. i guess i deserve to be despised and mocked at. deserve to be an object of derision ... knowing wat a weak, wimpy, faithless leader they have.

my grandma just called. i told her i was ok. liar.

***




duane didnt blog this. it was some weak, pathetic guy who hung onto his hopes tt were way too high for himself.

t