on the tram. where i think.
Friday, March 31, 2006
connection made finally. finally. finally. finally. finally.
its 350 am and i just completed my usp essay. prayer answered. its insane.. coz i'm not too sure if i'm going to nus in the first place and i still put in that much of a bloody effort. well.. i enjoyed writing it anyway. i wrote about the psychological connection with our own childhood. haha yeah.. inspired by my own previous blog entry.
t
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
flashback
Stale rubber and rustic soil. The stench was very much bearable considering that all my focus was riveted on that round piece of blue sky. With the final tyre to overcome, I pushed with all of the five years I had in me. Finally, all eight tyres conquered. Victory was rewarded with a gust of fresh air, a much wider view of the school playground and a smile that formed naturally. Nevertheless, as predictable as it seemed, the peak was already occupied. Seated contentedly was a larger boy. His beady eyes instantaneously locked into mine with an aura of angst.
"Get down."
I looked around. Tried to make sense. The wheel was large enough.
"Share?"
"Get down." He looked ready to pounce.
There still was not any sense that I could decipher. Then Courage and I pulled myself up and sat down opposite of him. This time, my eyes locked into his.
"Share."
He responded with pushes that spoke of intentions in causing me to fall. Could have cried for a teacher, but Courage told me to just keep holding on tight. The futile shoving turned to scratching and pinching. The urge to cry was unbearable. I knew my arm was bleeding, but a Voice told me to forget the pain. All I did was look into his eyes with unexplainable sadness.
'Why doesn't he understand?'
Momentarily, he paused and gazed down at my ravaged, bruised and bloody arm. He never looked up into my eyes again which continued to stare with intensity. Gingerly, he climbed down in uncanny defeat. In a daze, I settled down on the top tyre, wiped my arm, looked into the sky, and cried.
_______
but gradually.. i'm starting to realise that life isnt all about the dramatic changes in between. its about the connecting the dots between the past and the present.
step back and see the forming a beautiful picture of life.
are you willing to connect the dots? or does it hurt too much?
t
Saturday, March 25, 2006
shop. drop. roll. i've been on a spending spree. i got sennheiser headphones. love it! its the kind that cup your ears and blocks out outside sound.. so its just you and the music. finally i can listen to music minus the drowing sound of the bus engine.. the traffic.. the constant yakking of people. also bought 5 albums. jason mraz, john mayer, james blunt, jamie cullum, acoustic songs. also got more paintings. got a new pair of adidas too.
the reason i'm blogging about this is because duane cant shop for nuts. everyone knows that. i even won the 'shopper of the year' award. even my mom (the shopping queen) gave up on me. so yes.. this is to mark down a milestone is my life.
i realised i haven't blogged about my experience in volunteering. i taught and shared music with happy lil (and sometimes hyperactive) kids at roundbox. haha. somehow.. i find that orphans take their life by the hand and cherish and enjoy every minute of it. its a lesson on life that i took back with me. but somehow, i could feel a tinge of sadness within them.. sigh.. maybe because they have been missing out in parenting love. some havent even met their parents! well.. back to the music.. it was awesome. kids love music! it doesnt matter if they go off tune or beat. they love it! even got the attention of the noisy ones. haha. well.. in a nutshell.. kids are a bundle of joy. with music thrown in.. amazing.
t
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
do you know what you are getting yourself into?
on 19th march 2006. i recieved a revelation. i NEED to be a single-eyed Christian. its so hard. so hard. but so true. the way i see it.. its the only way to fufillment. to come clean.. i may not be what i seem to be sometimes.. i act and pretent to be a better person... sometimes i hide things so well with a smile. i hate it. sure, it seems to help my life look a lot cooler, but downside is that it adds on to my spiritual burden. i dont want to reach a point where i can't hold up that load anymore. God forbid.. but i can't imagine how i would turn out should that happen. a callous, hapless and given-up duane? so this is my new long term goal - a bona fide duane.
I'm getting into you
Because you got to me
In a way words can't describe
I'm getting into you
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love you with my life
When I made up my mind
And my heart along with that
To live not for myself
But yet for God
Somebody said
"Do you know what you are getting yourself into? "
When I finally ironed out
All of my priorities
And asked God to remove the doubt
That makes me unsure of these
Things I ask myself
I ask myself
"Do you know what you are getting yourself into? "
When he looked at me and said
"I kind of view you as a son"
And for a second our eyes met
And I met that with a question
"Do you know what you are getting yourself into? "
I've been a liar and I'll never amount to
The kind of person you deserve to worship you
You say you will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do
You say
"I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into"
~
t
and went to the australian education fair. talking about it.. i hate leaving. God's knows how many things and people i'll miss badly. but as my dad says it.. there's always been a part in me that misses my birthplace. so at the fair... i found out that if i apply.. i wont get a choice to where i want to go. so much for education and democracy.
as for today.. i came back from a 1 day attatchment at the faculty of dentistry at nuh. haha.. truth be told, it is kinda cool profession. its a people job which is one thing i go for. you get to meet people of all ages too. there was a really funny old ahma who was rather fussy coz she kept coming back complaning that her dentures where getting rougher. and this heart wreching 3 yr old kid who had decay throughout her entire set of teeth!! no kid! THREE yr old kid! and made really cool friends too. there was aaron and cheena from hc, marylene from ac and meishan from vj. now why couldnt i have classmates like that?
was fishing at the pond a few nights back and i now realise why guys like to fish. you get to sit down, wait, look up, think, listen to silence, reflect, think even more and SUDDENLY... your line starts tugging!! haha. what a sport.
after elder jeffery's sermon.. i've decided to spread the gospel to uncle kim.
and i just realised that i'm pouring a lot of things out at one go in this one blog entry. and i highly believe that the reason is because i've hardly more than two weeks before i go into army. makes me wanna cherish and get hold of whats left of my time in civlilisation.
t
Saturday, March 18, 2006
$15.95 ok. this is random. but i owe someone $15.95. dont know who. dont know why. i just remembered i owe someone $15.95. if you are reading this and i owe you $15.95.. please tell me. you would be doing be a big favour. coz its been constantly popping out in my mind. i'm highly highly bugged and irritated by it. you know.. like tune stuck in your mind the whole day and you just cant remember the artist or title and you're just dying to know it. haha... i even came out with a song called $15.95.
i prefer to believe in people. so yes.. please be honest.
$15.95..
$15.95...
why on earth am i doing this on high..
AND! tmr is paintball day!! woohoo!! i'm gonna kick.. or rather.. paint some butt!!
t
Friday, March 17, 2006
next wednesday so as planned. i met uncle kim today... our second meeting. well.. i kinda thought that i was going to be the one that would be doing most of the talking like he did that last time. but it turned out conversational. but still i kinda managed to whine, sulk, joke and rejoice about my life story. haha.. it was quite a hearty session really. i found it amazing that its easier to share almost anything with a stranger without any qualms... even stuff you dont think about telling your friends. hm.. maybe because of the 'connecting' factor... like sometimes you want to tell a someone something, but because he or she knows a friend of yours who knows a friends of yours.. and its a too-much-strings-attatched situation. anyway.. uncle kim was talking about pit stops in life. again i was very much into the words of wisdom. and i could blog one whole page on it. maybe another day when i'm not so dead. excuse my blabbering... i'm dead beat. i've been typing the whole day. and i missed leader's retreat today.. coz the darn flu is stubborn. i feel guilty coz God has to come first in everything. and i've sent out two uni applications. another two more to go and i will go let loose or something. maybe do something insane. haha. oh man.
t
Sunday, March 12, 2006
i've hardly slept in the last 40 hours.. cant believe i can type this with ease. so much happened. so much that i can blog about. that i could just.. i could just..... zzz
t
Thursday, March 09, 2006
wednesdays with kim i've been thinking about being a listener. someone who really listens. sometimes.. i can get quite sick of thinking and thinking and not do anything about it. cant help it man... haha. i was born a daydreamer... all the way through college.
there's this rather old uncle who stays opposite my home. i call him uncle kim. he's a nice guy really. its been years and it has always been the same. we meet. we smile. we wave. we say hi. the end. sounds familiar? haha.. we all face the same thing with people. so he was quaintly sitting outside his house. and so.. i decided to put my thoughts into action. i walked over.
what on earth are you doing duane?
and somehow, someway, weirdly enough.... i was seated and listening to him talk to me. i didnt even say a word the whole time! haha. i amaze myself sometimes. God knows how long it took. he talked and talked. and i just got highly intrigued and listened and listened. he talked about health, his job, family values, love, his wife, his kids, selfless love as a friend, husband and father. in that 1 hour plus past midnight.. that uncle has somehow gained my outmost admiration and respect. he didnt live the life of some action movie star. all he was, was a simple decent man with words of wisdom that dug deep and blew me away.
but that wasnt it man.. all of a sudden.. he said, "next week. same time. right here. but this time.. you speak. i listen."
haha.. i was like what?! i'm all but of 19 years only. whats there to speak about?
then he said, " you have a heart? has it leaped for joy? has it been broken? hurt? then you definitely have stories to tell." then he left and went back home.
looks like i really do have stories to tell.
t
Monday, March 06, 2006
19
the bbq party rocked. food, wine, talk and fun. a last minute thing by my parents. resulted in me going into an invite frenzy. some had no idea what the ocassion was. sam chin even though it was a house warming party haha! a hellava night to remember. :)i thank God for the cooking hands of bro al's, leslie's and big brandon's. hah without them bbqing all those food would have been impossible. thanks!
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a prelude to another crazy night of stayover (just before they started messing up my room). haha.
thanks everyone for the well wishes and attendence though it was all last minute haha! really really appreciate it.
t
Saturday, March 04, 2006
choices its scary to make choices especially when you know that its going to determine a big part of your future. there's so much i want to do, learn and achieve in life that i hate placing myself within a specialised area. but thats life i guess.. be it studies or work. i dont fear that the choices i make would be detrimental to my future.. i'm just afraid that i won't be happy. i see people in rush hour.. with hardly a smile on their faces. they live for 9 to 5. and its 9 to 5 to live. but right now.. i'm going to face the fact that there's no running away from the black n white manhattan life. BUT i'm also going to drill into myself that i can still make my life different, unique and thrilling whether or not i'll be earning a living behind a counter, desk or wheel.
so i've been blessed with God's grace to get results that i know i dont truly deserve. and just after the release of results, i've been reposted from ndu to tekong. everyone has been telling me that its a blessing. hm.. yeah.. maybe. whatever it is.. its all God's complex plan. i like to look at the beauty of it. i think being an officer is still going to be as tough a challenge.
right now.. i'm working on my application essay. i really hope i'll get a chance in the scholarship. if not.. oh well.. i've still a lifetime of choices. :)
haha. and i'm getting the FUNNIEST present ever from joy. a tube of bonjela!! hahahahaha. i'm still highly amused.
t