on the tram. where i think.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

rush of pain to the head

an old post of mine on sunday, 19th february, 2006.

"..i was thinking if God gave me a choice to be either blind or deaf.. i'd rather choose to be blind. no doubt about that. it has always been a nightmare to think of myself going deaf. it doesnt matter if i'm blind.. just a little inconvenience caused. but if i become deaf.. i won't be able to listen to the music i love, hear myself play the guitar, feel the voices of people i care for. silence. cant imagine.
i thought about that because this morning when i woke up.. i couldnt hear anything at all. i freaked out a bit. and it happened again in church today. sigh.. i'm really really scared..."

i read this post. and i laugh. i really do. not sure about what. maybe because God was trying to show me how much of a fool i am. or teach me a lesson in His own Godly ways. and just why was i reflecting on this post?
last tuesday night for about 10 mins. i lost my sight. i was blind

i got hit in the head. and it wasnt just some hit. it was a traumatic force that blacked me out. when i woke up, all i could feel was the excruciating throbbing pain in my head. i tried to carry on but i just knew that i had to rest just as everone else told me to. so as i walked back to my office, the world around me felt different. but i just couldnt bother to focus on it. all i felt was pain that bore right down in my mind. in the office, someone was watching the television. so as i sat down and looked up. i couldnt see. nothing. it was just colour. it was just white and some patches. i KNEW there was a tv in front of me. i KNEW there was a show playing. i was telling myself... IT HAS TO BE THERE! but with eyes open, i saw nothing.

i wish i could put to words how i felt. probably it was fear. maybe the kind i've yet to experience in my twenty yrs of life. it wasn't a kind of fear that raised my heartbeat rate. wasn't the kind that made me break out in panic and cold sweat. rather, it was like a tide. rising way above my head as i stay chained to the ground. surreal, silent and looming fear. pardon my limited vocab.

somehow amidst all that fear. i thank God that my first reflex was to pray. the amazing thing was that i didnt pray for healing of restoration. can you believe it... i actually prayed for understanding. it was just the first thing that came to mind. but looking back. i think i now understand. :)

deaf. heard that. blind. seen that.
either way.. i was really really scared.

now. my life's about waiting for God's lesson number 3.

t